Seek the Small Win.

I’ve been thinking a lot about progress and what it means to move in the direction of the goals we set out to accomplish in life.  Our professional career, success inside challenge we face with our kids, our relationships, the physical goals we set for ourselves, whatever it is—professional or personal--how do we do it, how do we get to where we are going? 

The big breakthrough or opportunity for grandeur forward motion can feel like luck and timing, which isn’t always on our side.   Getting to where we want to go doesn’t always come easy.  When we get stuck, what motivates us to get back on track and continue striving?  How do we move forward and stay inspired?  I think it’s in seeking and celebrating small wins.  Starting first with what comes easy.  

What if we started giving ourselves some credit and acknowledgement for the everyday, consistent things we are already doing well?  Regardless of the day or season in life, small wins are in there somewhere.  Taking a shower to get your day started, making your bed in the morning, staying caught up on returning calls and emails at work, showing up early for an appointment, making dinner when you really want takeout, whatever comes most easy to you in this moment.  Start with celebrating in these little spaces you might be overlooking because it’s not the big win or end goal.  This is the place of intention, the middle, where a lot of our work often goes unnoticed.   
  
Little wins create an opening for motivation and progress.  A place where upward, forward motion already exists. 

We ought to be easier on ourselves, give a little grace and space from our lofty dreams and goals.  When we stop for a moment and take notice of what is working and where we are showing-up, we find an opportunity to regain momentum.  I believe our greatest motivation to keep striving comes in celebration of these little everyday decisions we’re making along the way.  Seek to celebrate and take the small win.  You’ve earned it and it’s quite possibly the beginning of something bigger ahead. 

40 Things

40 things over 40 years that stay with me and matter most right now.

For Ava + Carson

Choose courage over comfort.

Your ability to be resilient changes everything.

Live and love with the long-term perspective in mind.

Humility is rare and beautiful.

Make self-care a priority.

Forgiveness will set you free.

Self-compassion first.

Find the humor in everything.

Be flexible.

Make time to do the things you love.

There’s freedom on the other side of acceptance.

Focus on strengthening your top two strengths, not on where you are weak.

Quality of life is determined by the quality of your questions (Tony Robbins).

Go outside more often.

Call your mom.

Energy is contagious, spread the good kind.

Ask for help, you weren’t designed to do it alone.

More heart, less hustle.

You can’t take others where you aren’t willing to go yourself.

Listen to understand + listen more than you speak.

Plan for a day with pj’s, coffee, a good book, and bad food.

Learn to enjoy your own company.

Move and care for your body, it will determine the capability of your mind.

Traditions are treasures, protect them.

Those you spend the most time with will have the greatest influence on your life, choose wisely.

Read often.  Be a teacher and a student, we never stop learning.

Dance. Dance. Dance.  You can never be too old or too cool.

Pause to praise people.

Surround yourself with people who are smarter than you.

Nothing is worth closing your heart over, ever.

You'll never be alone, Jesus goes with you.

Ambiguity is often perceived negatively, take time to create clarity.

We become what we repeatedly do (Stephen Covey). Be mindful of your habits.

Invest in comfortable, good quality pajamas.

Create and make stuff.

Give people what they need, not what they deserve.

You can do anything you want, just not all at once.

Time has a way of changing things, stay open.

There is wisdom in both the experienced and beginner perspective.

Motherhood (parenthood) will change who you want to be in this world, lean in for the adventure and discovery.

Curiosity

The anticipation and reality of a New Year comes with mixed emotion.  I often feel a bit of sadness as another year and holiday season pass, which is also goodbye to precious down, idle time with the kids.  It is also exciting and relieving (depending on the previous year) but never comes without an anticipatory anxious thread of expectation.  Inside the calm in the few days leading back to routine and in the thrust of a new year built around annual events and new adventures, I try and carve space to find a moment to focus on what I hope for in the year ahead. 

In replacement of the overwhelming task of creating a detailed list of resolutions, I’ve chosen to select a guiding word for the year ahead of me (inspired by One Little Word).  My word for 2017 is curiosity.  Curiosity is a word welcoming opportunity for growth, outside of immediate opinion, outside of reactive position or decision.  When I think about curiosity, I am reminded of its opposing counterpart, certainty.  Choosing curiosity over the comforting, predictability of certainty asks more of us. For me, Curiosity is:

Listening a little longer before judgment or opinion

Trying something new

Less control of the outcome

Letting go and allowing trust in faith of what is to come

Permission for doubt and uncertainty

Allowing space for new things, new thoughts, new ideas

More imagination, more dreaming, more courage

Pause, presence and stillness in the current moment

Time and intention to be more thoughtful

Welcoming question and curiosity

Slowing down

Being open to revisiting old habits and ways of doing things

Acceptance and gratitude for things as they are

Opportunity to learn and share 

Inside the vulnerability of unpredictable curiosity awaits a neutral pause and promise for the potential and growth of a new year.  Hello, 2017.

Words.

I’ve been thinking a lot about words lately.  The impact of when we speak too much, too soon, too little, too late or not at all and the significance of the words we choose to communicate our message.  Words are guided and influenced by our thoughts, what we say in the quiet of our own mind and through the words we speak out loud.

Our kids offer us a lesson in how they value a message.  Have you noticed the way they engage and soak up everything, even when we think they aren’t listening or when we hope they are only taking away the good parts?  No pressure.  As they filter through the meaning and how it fits in their understanding of the world around them, they hold us accountable, they let us know how we are doing.  They learn from how we talk to them, each other and ourselves.  I’ve noticed how much they are impacted and influenced by each and every word in the literal interpretation and undertone of each message.  The words we choose and how we phrase them dramatically alters what will happen next, leaving little room for undoing.  And boy, they always remember--did I really say that?

I suppose an emphasis on words is inevitable parenting small children—the constant correction and redirection that goes on. The words I use when I am disciplining and/or encouraging my kids doesn’t always get the credit they deserve. And then there’s the absence of words I choose not to say or share with them in the moment or those times when I hear myself in them (not always my favorite).  The reality is, what we mean to communicate isn’t always the message that gets delivered.

There’s an ongoing struggle with constant distraction of over messaging that pulls us away from the very things we want most, to connect, understand and be understood in a meaningful way. It makes it difficult to be concise and deliver clarity in our message with one another amongst all the noise.

In October, I did a challenge with my staff.  The challenge was to successfully complete two handwritten notes a day to someone in their life.  It could be a coworker, a significant other, a friend, family, anyone, the message had to be handwritten in a note.  Nearly everyone was successful so it was fun to reflect on the experience as a group.  I was inspired by the testimonies of how impactful the exercise was for not only the recipients of the cards but for the authors of those who shared their encouraging words with others.    For such a small, simple, five-minute daily task, the reward was enormous.

This November, I’m suggesting a slightly different challenge. Sharing gratitude through the language and words we speak to one another.  A daily commitment to verbally connect and share gratitude with at least two people we engage with in our life.  I think giving and receiving words that are complimentary and encouraging can sometimes be difficult but I also believe the impact is powerful and influential. 

What you focus on expands, is something we say a lot around here.  I believe when we intentionally nourish our minds with healthy and wholesome thoughts and ideas, it begins to outweigh the distraction of the other garbage around us.  

Carefully selecting the words we verbalize in the moment requires more control over our thoughts and a silencing of the noise and distraction around us; this is no small feat.  It takes practice.  There is so much more we can do in the way of connecting and better communicating what we really mean when we begin thinking more about our words.

Quiet

The one thing that you have that nobody else has is you. Your voice, your mind, your story, your vision.  So write and draw and build and play and dance and live as only you can. 

 –Neil Gailman

I start every year with a new word, a word that best describes my intentions and hopes for the year in front of me. This year, I choose quiet.

More quiet means recognizing intuition, being awake in the present moment and doing less with more focus. In a place where there is more quiet, there is less worry, noise and distraction.

Anyone who knows me well understands how difficult quiet is for me. My default involves a lot of talking, planning, what-if and worrying. Being still to recognize what quiet looks and feels like is and will be a challenge for me this year.

Last night as I was lying with Carson, I was reminded of what quiet feels like.

Quiet is: 
Not checking my cell phone for the next distraction 
An early morning, quiet drive to the gym 
An early morning cup of coffee before everyone wakes 
Making time to write 
Turning the radio off to drive in silence instead 
Taking the long route home listening to music instead of the TV 
Walks on the beach 
Reading 
Curling up on the couch with a blanket in front of the fire 
Going for a walk instead of a run 
Thursday dinner date night with Matt 
Listening to Ava read 
Saturday with no agenda 
Spending time outdoors 
Watching them play 
Laying next to them as they fall asleep 

In discovery of my word for this year, I tried something new and took time to write a vision statement. This activity involved jotting down simple notes of what I want and need, spending some time writing and reworking before it felt right.

As I spend less time worrying, I create the quiet space in life that allows me to be present and confident that in this moment, I am exactly where I should be.

Vision creates energy. It must be exciting, present tense, and live in our dominant self-conscious. A vision statement is reflective of what we need, a guide that leads us.

Where are you going this year?

Parenting and Leadership

As I navigate through my professional and parenting journey, I find myself relying on some of the same guiding principles. 

Humility I question everything.  Once I think I’ve got it (them) all figured out, everything changes.  They keep me humble.

Humility is my favorite trait in a person.  Humility is showing up as the student, regardless of whom you are or the title you hold. It’s the ability to check your ego at the door and have the courage to learn something new.  It’s being open to a new way of doing things differently from the way they’ve always been done.  Humility is sharing what we know for the betterment of the people around us.  It’s celebrating someone else’s accomplishment in our defeat. And sometimes, it’s deliberately leaning from the spotlight so someone else can shine.

Authenticity They see and hear everything.  They are building perspective and opinions of the world around them.  Keep it real and be transparent; authenticity builds trust.

Intention matters.  When we are authentic, we best communicate our intentions. I recognize authenticity in the admission of not having the answer.  When we can be on the same side of the table with people this way, there is less opportunity for misinterpretation and/or misunderstanding. Transparency communicates that we are trustworthy.  When we are authentic with others, and ourselves, we can more clearly communicate what we want and what we need. Being authentic sometimes means saying sorry or admitting when we are wrong (which goes a long way). Authenticity closes the gap between true connection and understanding of each other.

Listen to learn Be present and awake for all of it.

 

The real message is often discovered somewhere in between the chatter of the head and mouth.  When we listen first to understand and second to respond, we create the space we need for awareness of new information.

Endurance We are in this for the long haul.

 

I find endurance in those with a capacity and initiative for that extra push, especially when they stand-alone doing it.  Endurance is an unwillingness to walk away when things get difficult. It’s a commitment to being the consistent, predictable constant for those seeking assurance and direction under your leadership.  Endurance creates an opening for us to get uncomfortable, and in this place we find a fierce will to keep going.

Be decisive and create clarity They expect clarity and consistency; we teach them anything different.

Leaders have the courage to make the unpopular decisions once in awhile. The intent to continue earning respect from those they lead accompanies the decisions they make.  This goes back to confidence in the choices we make, both big and little.  They are all connected and deliver accordingly. 

Keep it fun and maintain perspective Being able to laugh at life really does make it better.  Perspective reminds us that someday, much of this stuff will seem very small in comparison.

I notice those who are able to maintain perspective in the thick of it all are the ones who have control over their reaction to the unexpected; they don’t get stuck in the muddy places in between.  They are able to keep distance between the present moment and the big-picture hopes and plans of the future. 

There are unknown adventures, experiences, and challenges that will change me in the years ahead. This list represents what I’m noticing right now.  

Permission.

As I look back on the selection of my one-little-word, my focus for 2013, I realize how it continues to guide me.  For 2013, my word is “being”.  It is active, powerful, and one that represents the right now.  The meaning behind my definition of “being” includes:

Being open and aware.  Letting go.  Discovering.  Teaching.  Learning.  Sharing.  Being spontaneous.  Reading.  Writing.  Photographing the memories.  “Being” in the moment, right now.

This week, I started a six-week e-course with a new favorite author of mine, Brene Brown Gifts of Imperfection.  And, while I hesitate taking on another commitment during this busy time of year, I also believe this course comes at a perfect time.  An opportunity for me to be open and aware as I continue to discover what there still is to learn on this journey.  I plan to document this experience over the next few weeks; I want to remember each revelation along the way. 

After hiding out on safe ground for a while, I know I need to push just enough each week to get beyond it.  Along with my intentions of “being” this year, I’ve challenged myself to get “uncomfortable”, at least once a week. Getting uncomfortable has sometimes been a difficult appointment, phone call or conversation.  And other times it’s finding the courage to share an idea or thought with someone new, without worrying about what they will think.   

So, what better way for me to continue on this journey of getting uncomfortable than to take a course requiring me to be transparent and creative through writing and drawing in an art journal.  (Just a visit to the art supply store made my palms sweat; my only comfort with art involves a child and Crayola markers.)

In our first e-course lesson, we are asked to create permission slips for ourselves as we begin this experience.  Mine includes permission:

-To take time for this project
-To not have the answer
-To change my mind
-To be creative
-To first go with my gut response
-To not over think
-To keep it simple
-To have fun

At work, I‘ve recently started leading an accountability skills group with some of my colleagues.  While teaching continues to be one of my greatest passions, I still get nervous and intimidated every time.  The pressure of providing value for each participant, something that changes his or her experience, weighs heavy on me. 

So, I tried it out this morning. I took a slip of paper and created a “permission slip” for myself for the next hour. It read:

Permission
-To be nervous (I’m not perfect but I am enough)

-To start, stop and start over if I need to (to self correct in front of people)

-To make it fun (to have fun)

-To learn something (not worry about having all the answers)

As I stuffed it in my shoe and headed to class, I felt my shoulders soften and breaths deepen, lifting the pressure as I allowed myself to be more present in the moment. 

After quieting my own voice I was able to listen; I took the focus from what could go wrong with me to the possibility of what I could learn from the rest of the group. 

Everyday life, this is the real classroom, the one that counts. 

Connect. Engage. Grow.

I remember how walking into a room full of people use to feel.  When the anticipation of engaging in conversation excited me, motivated me, lit me up.  I still couldn’t get myself there; it was like the light switch went off inside me. 

At the time, I didn’t notice when or why it had happened.  I remember feeling repulsed by the idea of small talk and irrelevant exchange between people who didn’t really matter to me.  I know it sounds harsh; it’s still hard to write.  Should have been the first sign, since I’m typically a very outgoing and social person. 

I’ve blamed it on being a working mom (sounds fair and incontestable); motherhood is the most exhausting job on the planet, right?  Pulled in a million directions, putting everyone’s needs before my own, a tiresome output of energy lacking enough time for rest and solitude.  Sounds very victim-y of me, I know, but it’s exactly where I was.  Something wasn’t right and deep down I knew it. My perception of the outside world had changed and on the inside I felt guarded, anxious and fearful.

For as comfortable as I had become with abandoning meaningful connection in my life, I am thankful to have noticed something was missing. This past year has brought much revelation around the explanation of who I was or more importantly who I was not.  I believe this is a testament to being in the right place at the right time, with the right people.

Two things have helped change the course for me.  At work, I began showing up more—physically and emotionally.  And, in this time I was exposed to an incredible philosophy of looking at life and work differently through a leadership program based on the principles of ninjaselling.com.   This program is where my awareness began to grow. I started questioning my intentions in life, what I wanted and where I was headed. I was treading water; I had gotten too comfortable with what was safe. And as the weight of fear, anxiety and discontentment began to resurface, I saw for the first time how they were holding me back.    

I remember first hearing about living with a scarcity vs. abundant mindset and believing I had it all figured out. Scarcity didn’t show up until I started looking closer at the little places in life—my reaction to a change in weekend plans, the rage from Ava dropping a bowl of cereal on the carpet when I’d asked her to eat at the table, my impatience with Carson that sent me walking away as he threw himself down in a crying fit, frustrated in his inability to communicate his needs.  A fear of the unknown or “what if” would derail me for days; I was defensive and on-edge in the day-to-day interaction with my family.  The more I looked for it, the more scarcity showed up.  It was in the small choices I was making, much more dangerous and insidious than I was aware. 

It was the book DaringGreatly where I began really learning and understanding the why’s of how I had become so closed.  It brings comfort to put words on feelings; this book was the invitation for me to get the courage to forgive myself and move beyond it.  I learned about the danger of disengagement and the compound effect it can have in a slow erosion of relationships over time.  I’m thankful to recognize that this is exactly where I was in my work, my marriage and parenting.  Engaging with people half-heartedly was dangerous for me and easy to do; I had gotten good at hiding it and could see how dim the light in me had become because of it.

When I think about how it will be different moving forward as I navigate through difficult and uncertain times in life, I will spend less time with my eyes closed, holding my breath, waiting for it all to pass.  Less time blaming myself, less time blaming others.  I will spend more time talking about the fear and discomfort while reaching out to the support around me. I will spend more time in the middle of it all, present, aware, and engaged in the solution.    

There is a deep conviction in me that believes the energy and authenticity of how I engage and connect with people around me depends greatly on my ability to show up in the day-to-day, smaller places of life.   This is my advantage, my greatest resource.  And while it is a daily commitment, an ongoing challenge, it will allow me to push and grow in new directions; further than I’d go alone.