40 Things

40 things over 40 years that stay with me and matter most right now.

For Ava + Carson

Choose courage over comfort.

Your ability to be resilient changes everything.

Live and love with the long-term perspective in mind.

Humility is rare and beautiful.

Make self-care a priority.

Forgiveness will set you free.

Self-compassion first.

Find the humor in everything.

Be flexible.

Make time to do the things you love.

There’s freedom on the other side of acceptance.

Focus on strengthening your top two strengths, not on where you are weak.

Quality of life is determined by the quality of your questions (Tony Robbins).

Go outside more often.

Call your mom.

Energy is contagious, spread the good kind.

Ask for help, you weren’t designed to do it alone.

More heart, less hustle.

You can’t take others where you aren’t willing to go yourself.

Listen to understand + listen more than you speak.

Plan for a day with pj’s, coffee, a good book, and bad food.

Learn to enjoy your own company.

Move and care for your body, it will determine the capability of your mind.

Traditions are treasures, protect them.

Those you spend the most time with will have the greatest influence on your life, choose wisely.

Read often.  Be a teacher and a student, we never stop learning.

Dance. Dance. Dance.  You can never be too old or too cool.

Pause to praise people.

Surround yourself with people who are smarter than you.

Nothing is worth closing your heart over, ever.

You'll never be alone, Jesus goes with you.

Ambiguity is often perceived negatively, take time to create clarity.

We become what we repeatedly do (Stephen Covey). Be mindful of your habits.

Invest in comfortable, good quality pajamas.

Create and make stuff.

Give people what they need, not what they deserve.

You can do anything you want, just not all at once.

Time has a way of changing things, stay open.

There is wisdom in both the experienced and beginner perspective.

Motherhood (parenthood) will change who you want to be in this world, lean in for the adventure and discovery.

Curiosity

The anticipation and reality of a New Year comes with mixed emotion.  I often feel a bit of sadness as another year and holiday season pass, which is also goodbye to precious down, idle time with the kids.  It is also exciting and relieving (depending on the previous year) but never comes without an anticipatory anxious thread of expectation.  Inside the calm in the few days leading back to routine and in the thrust of a new year built around annual events and new adventures, I try and carve space to find a moment to focus on what I hope for in the year ahead. 

In replacement of the overwhelming task of creating a detailed list of resolutions, I’ve chosen to select a guiding word for the year ahead of me (inspired by One Little Word).  My word for 2017 is curiosity.  Curiosity is a word welcoming opportunity for growth, outside of immediate opinion, outside of reactive position or decision.  When I think about curiosity, I am reminded of its opposing counterpart, certainty.  Choosing curiosity over the comforting, predictability of certainty asks more of us. For me, Curiosity is:

Listening a little longer before judgment or opinion

Trying something new

Less control of the outcome

Letting go and allowing trust in faith of what is to come

Permission for doubt and uncertainty

Allowing space for new things, new thoughts, new ideas

More imagination, more dreaming, more courage

Pause, presence and stillness in the current moment

Time and intention to be more thoughtful

Welcoming question and curiosity

Slowing down

Being open to revisiting old habits and ways of doing things

Acceptance and gratitude for things as they are

Opportunity to learn and share 

Inside the vulnerability of unpredictable curiosity awaits a neutral pause and promise for the potential and growth of a new year.  Hello, 2017.

Feels Like Fall.

Cool mornings and short evenings, I love this time of year.  The season of new schedules and new routines are welcomed structure in our house.  September marks the final stretch of the year and inspires me to reset and evaluate personal and family goals.  The realities of real life also remind me of the importance of being flexible and open, contrary to my own timeline. 

I love the perspective of Dallas Clayton, an artist, author and illustrator of children’s books.

The beginning is often the most inspiring.  The beginning of a new season, new school year, new challenge, new adventure, they all bring similar energy.  They invite fresh and new opportunity. 

And then there’s the middle, where most of life happens.  It’s easy to remain optimistic in the beginning and possess inspiring hindsight wisdom near the end but it's in the mess of the middle where we find our real work.

We are working on all sorts of things around here these days. Right now, the middle for us is found in bedtime routine, nighttime habits (staying in our own bed) and potty charts.  They consume much of our energy and discussion as we navigate the tough conversation around what is and what is not working.

As we celebrate the big and little progress along the way, I’m mindful of the temporary nature of this season in life and how precious time is.  I’m learning to embrace it more.

One of our family goals this Fall is to work on our evening time together.  A piece of this includes being more intentional about the time we spend on our phones or in front of a screen in the evening.  This is a tough one for all of us.  I’m appreciating the extra time it has allowed for us to be together and transition more smoothly at bedtime. 

When we have the right mindset, a support system for growth, and grace for ourselves in the process, we have greater opportunity to learn something that will make the difference.  SO much easier said than done.  It's hard work with a lot of intention and resilience when things get tough.

How are we pushing ourselves to learn from other people who inspire us to live better? I believe opportunity is greatly influenced by who we surround ourselves with for support and inspiration.  This year, I’ve been thinking a lot about my life curriculum and what I’m choosing in books, podcasts, and face-to-face interaction with people who inspire me. There are so many options available when we allow time for it, some of my favorite books and podcasts right now are:

Books- The Slight Edge, by Jeff Olsen, Mindset, by Carol Dweck, Rising Strong, by Brene Brown.  Podcasts (seriously addicted these days)- Ted Radio Hour, Good Life Project, The Charged Life with Brendon Burchard, Raise Your Hand Say Yes with Tiffany Han, and The Simple Show. 

Whether you are starting something new and exciting or find yourself in the messy middle of it all, you are not alone.  I’d love to hear about what’s inspiring you these days.

Built Here.

In my favorite picture (which I still can't find) I’m standing on dirt at the far southwest corner of what someday would be our basement in the home we built for our family.  It’s game day and the yellow Oregon Duck shirt that's nearly too small is pulling tightly against my growing belly.  My arms are stretched wide and I’m wearing the confident grin of someone with big plans. You can see the excitement and anticipation on my face.   It also happened to be the day I felt Ava move inside me for the first time.  I would have never predicted the significance of this day to me now. This was the first of many beginnings for us in this place; we have all grown up here.

First days of life, including first steps, first words and first birthdays.  So much that is good from the life we’ve built took place in the home we sold this Spring.  BBQ’s, birthdays, baby showers, and anniversaries, there are so many memories of gathering with family and friends. We grew up in the country so building our family home on 5 acres outside of town was a dream for both of us.  I am grateful to have lived this dream for the past eight years. The best of what we built here was going with us.

In May, we moved from the country to a neighborhood in town.  Choosing to downsize was the right decision for our family and through the myriad of emotion, we continue to learn more about each other and ourselves as we get adjusted. Big change brings on opportunity for growth and new beginnings.

I’m learning that when we make choices with a long-term perspective, sometimes we experience short-term discomfort. This is all part of the process.

I’m learning to trust this discomfort as temporary transition and part of the story. 

I’m learning to love the whole story, even the unplanned parts.

I’m learning that when we recognize what was once important to us is no longer and adjust accordingly, it’s a game changer.

I’m learning that the freedom of time to travel and be together matters most to me right now.

There was resistance from me at first to keep it real, for myself, for the kids. Resistance to experiencing all of the emotion. 

I’m learning that as parents we do this, we protect them from feeling sadness and disappointment because we don’t want to fail them.   I think we protect ourselves from this too. 

I’m learning that they need permission and time to adjust and this doesn’t much differ from what we need too.     

In Ava’s last few weeks of school, amid the packing and unpacking, we decided to hold off on breaking the news that she wouldn’t be returning to the kids she’d gone to school with since she was three.  It felt like too much for her, for all of us.

This unspoken knowledge between us likely contributed to many difficult days and nights we experienced in the new house.  She knew all along what was coming and was waiting for us to share it with her.  The fresh glaring lime green paint on her bedroom walls speak of my motivation to make everything better than her old room.  It didn’t work.  Not for her and not for me. 

Two nights before the last day at her old school felt like breaking point for us.  Desperate to interrupt the painful pattern of evening routine, I threw out my entire plan and told her everything.  As I crawled in bed with her to say goodnight, I began asking her about what she missed most from living in our old house.  It felt wreck less and weak in the moment but for the first time in weeks I felt her soften and open to me.  I listened to her as she described in finite detail, all of the things she missed most about the comfort of her old room. We sat in the sadness of the old and familiar together and I shared what I was missing most too.  For the first time in weeks I felt like we understood each other.

I’m learning that when we come as we are, it levels the playing field. 

I’m learning that we want more than they need.

We began building something new together that night.  We talked about going to a new school, making new friends, living in a new house and all that is scary and exciting about the unknown.

Neighbors to play with, a short walk to school and the park, family bike rides, so many new adventures for us to experience.  We began making plans on how we were going to build a new home for ourselves here.  

Thirty-eight

I can’t remember the last time we celebrated together.  Growing up, we would always spend our birthday together but over the years life seems to get in the way. This year, we had some making up to do.  There were more reasons than excuses to make it happen.

We’ve been together over 38 years now and there isn’t anyone I’d rather celebrate with than her. This year, my twin sister Tami and I decided to go big and leave everyone and everything behind to head out of town to Venice Beach, California for a long weekend.

It’s hard leaving a busy schedule with work and family but it was well worth it.  For 72 hours, we only had each other to consider.  It was awesome.  For my birthday, Matt bought me a little journal to record the moments we wanted to remember from our trip.  It didn’t take long before I began filling the pages.

Our adventure started at the airport at 8 a.m. on a flight from Eugene to LAX.

Laughter.  So much laughter, it often turned to tears. 

When we laugh together, it’s not a quiet affair.  There are few people who can make me laugh like Tami.  Maybe it’s because of the history and time between us, we know each other so well.

This was one of those moments.  Chance would have us sitting in the emergency exit row. 

As the flight attendant begins reviewing emergency procedures, I notice Tami listening intently.  I start giggling.  Thank goodness the flight attendant had a good sense of humor.  Upon questioning our comfort with the responsibility in the event of an emergency landing (as I am visibly having a hard time holding back the laughter), with a very serious, concerned look on her face Tami asks, “So, when we go to open the emergency door, does it just fall off or will it stay attached?”  Yes, this was a serious inquiry and so funny.  I thought they were going to move us; we were 13 all over again.

We stayed at Hotel Erwin in Venice Beach.  Great service, good food and the perfect location.

The morning view from our room, a perfect start to the day with my coffee and book.

Sunrise, a quiet time of day in Venice Beach.

One of our favorite spots was the Rooftop Lounge on top of Hotel Erwin.  Best sunset ever.

Tami tolerated my detour and walk through the Venice Canal Historical District to look at amazing real estate.   This place is a different world than the boardwalk on Venice Beach only a short few blocks away.

Although we are identical twins, there are so many ways in which we are different. This trip reminded me. While I’m hiding behind the menu at dinner, Tami is making a new friend with the neighboring table.  Tami’s never met a stranger, she makes friends with everyone.  We laughed a lot about this as we both have such different needs in the way of connection. She spends her days with 3^rd graders and yearns for conversation with adults, while vacation for me means being more reclusive.

Unplanned adventures are the best and with Tami, they are always a guarantee.

American Ninja Warrior during the filming of their season premier that will air at the end of May. 

We met a nice family of one of the contestants and by the end of cocktail hour, Tami had us on their friends and family list to get inside. It was a super fun, unexpected memory I will never forget.

We spent a lot of time walking and exploring.  Venice Beach is a very colorful place with some seriously good people watching.

One thing I love about getting older is we get to become friends with our siblings.  The time we spend together is by choice but it’s not without effort.  This trip reminded me of how long it has been since we've connected outside of a big family gathering or the distraction of kids.

I was reminded of how much we have to catch up on.  There is still so much to know and learn about each other as time and life continue to separate us.  I was reminded of the comfort and familiarity of being together.

Time is precious.  Let’s not wait until next year, I don’t want to look back and wish we had more days like this together.

Love Notes.

There are few things that feel better than receiving a thoughtful, personal, handwritten note.  Love notes are big around here in our home.  I started thinking about all of the places where notes show up and what they mean to me. 

Welcome home notes Ava leaves around the house, when we arrive home from a trip out of town.

A love note written on Ava’s lunch napkin, I leave as a surprise for her every day.

Notes of thanks I send to the people I appreciate in my professional life.

Daily detailed notes exchanged between Becky (our nanny) and me about the kids.  I love these notes as it helps me feel connected to the little things that go on each day when I’m not around.  Everything from what Carson had for lunch to the smile on his face when he discovered how to use the brakes on his bike.

The ongoing journal of notes Matt and I have exchanged between us over the past fourteen years.  On our first anniversary of marriage we started a journal together, a place for us to exchange thoughts of gratitude to one another.

What I love most is there has never been any rules or expectations, no pressure.  Whoever has the journal last is expected to pass it on when they feel like it.  I love the surprise of a note showing up in the most unlikely place when I least expect it. 

This month, leading up to Valentine’s Day, our family shared 14 days of what we love most. It was fun to learn what is most important to each of us, right now.  

One of the reasons I love sharing notes is that they become a record, they linger.  They tell us the story of a snapshot in time.  Notes are often read in the private and quiet space of our mind where they can resonate more deeply than spoken dialogue. A note is something we can remember and revisit when we really need it.  I often keep the best ones for the times I need them most.

Notes can be the quiet strength we draw from while preparing to respond.  In the midst of challenge, sometimes rereading notes of the past can bring light to a lost perspective. 

I will continue writing love notes to my kids because if there is any light I can leave on for them in this world, maybe this is it.

Respond.

I can always count on Ava to hold the mirror up for me when I need it most.

After dinner the other night we all huddle around to play a game before bedtime routine.  Honestly, this isn’t my most favorite time of day as I’m an early riser and I tend to be begging for bed long before everyone else in our house.  But, it’s one of the few moments in our day when we are all together so I participate. 

There’s rarely much small talk with Ava, she gets right to it.  After asking her about her day, she shares with me how much she enjoys writing in her journal.  As a fan of writing myself, I love to hear this.  Ava’s teacher inspired each child to write about anything on their mind, things they love and things they dislike.  I love this exercise because I believe kids deserve permission to say (and write) all the things they are feeling.  Then she says it.  “Mom, I wrote that I don’t like when brother takes my things and I wrote that I don’t like that my mom is always on her phone."  I hold my breath, literally, as I feel the shame wash over me.

Yes, of course my first thought was how embarrassed I am for her teacher to read this and know this about me.  I feel completely violated and humiliated as I am trying to quiet the response I began formulating in my head, a defense to this shameful accusation.  In my mind, I am somewhere between “your college fund” and “a woman’s right to a career”—and it’s escalating quickly. 

Asking more questions is what saves me, buying time as I return to being the adult.  It felt like torture encouraging her to tell me how badly I sucked.   She is still talking, still sharing as I am barely holding on to the bit of good that is coming from this (biting my tongue).

It’s all I can do to keep myself quiet and listen.  It’s horrible, really.  I want to curl up in a ball and go to bed.  But, she’s still talking.  When she finishes, I want to rehash it so badly but don’t want to undo what we had just done. 

The more they talk, the more they share and the safer they feel….

In the bathroom blow-drying my hair, at the park, on the deck while they play, in line at the grocery store, the in between moments while cooking dinner, I disconnect from the present moment, from them.  "Mom, you took Facebook off your phone but you can still Google it." Ouch.  Is it really that bad?  She sees me.  Moving quickly through the denial stage, conviction sets in and I want to cry. 

How I choose to respond matters more right now.

I apologize to her with no excuse or explanation, no defense or justification—just I’m sorry and a promise to do better.  Holding those moments of silence with her that follow is a challenge.

After some brief time alone, she crawls in bed next to me. She knows what I need most in this moment. She doesn’t say anything more about it, carrying on with bedtime as if nothing had happened. I love her resilience, her ability to accept, forgive and move on.

What’s changed?  I’m trying to respond differently to all the noise.  Overcome the temptation to stay on top of email, text messages, and Facebook.  I’ve started leaving my phone in my purse when I make the transition home in the evening.  I leave my phone downstairs when I get ready in the morning.    I set an expectation and communicate more clearly when I do need to handle an email or phone call.  Is it difficult to maintain the discipline?  Absolutely.  The difference is we talk about it and I say it out loud. I own it when I recognize I’ve been distracted.  We all agree with how we want it to be and we do our best to make it happen.

She humbles me; she calls me on my stuff.  And, she is transparent.  She talks to me.  She is not afraid to be honest with me. I wouldn’t trade this part for anything and I trust these experiences to shape and inspire the relationship we will share in the years ahead.