Tuesday, December 10, 2013


He didn’t understand why we were there and if I’m being honest, neither did I.   These were my ideas, my fears, my “what-if’s”; he was just along for the ride.  This is one of the many things I love about him; he’s always willing and ready to show up when it counts.  I didn’t want us to wake-up some place we didn’t want to be and not know how it happened.  I needed perspective and clarity.  There are a million things that could wrong and if we don’t see it coming, we will go down with it.     

If you had a superpower, what would it be?  I discovered this question once on a blog somewhere in cyberspace and have never forgotten.  I love this question.  I love the idea of discovering and clarifying strength within us, one source more innate and powerful than the rest.  The resource we can count on, our go-to, our strong suite.

What is my superpower? My answer has been and continues to be intuition.  I often feel it before I see it or able to articulate it. I’ve always underestimated the influence intuition has on my ability to make decisions.  My greatest struggle with trusting my gut and listening to what the little voice tells me is proof.  The vagueness that comes with expressing intuition often creates distance and doubt in me before it will serve me.

In Brené Brown’s, Gifts of Imperfection, she defines intuition- “Intuition is not a single way of knowing-it’s our ability to hold space for uncertainty and our willingness to trust the many ways we’ve developed knowledge and insight, including instinct, experience, faith, and reason."

Intuition can help me make decisions, consider the alternative and possibility of what is to come, it has done this for me.  It’s my superpower.  However, there have been times when I believed my intuition was working to save me but instead fed an intrinsic fear and uncertainty in me. 

We went together because I thought it was a potential “us” issue, I wanted protection.  It couldn’t possibly be an issue of mine alone; I was being proactive and responsible for what I sensed coming—before there was a problem.  About six years ago and after six months of therapy, I had my first glimpse at the powerful influence of fear.

I didn’t want to lose touch with real life, I wanted to preserve “us” and not get swallowed up in the addictive success vacuum we were experiencing. I didn’t want to wake up and discover we had lost each other in the process.  I wanted assurance that what we had together would always be stronger than anything we acquired. While I believe these were legitimate concerns, a greater desire to control the outcome and inability to accept the unknown began creating exactly what I didn’t want. 

Brené Brown defines faith as “a place of mystery, where we find the courage to believe in what we cannot see and the strength to let go of our fear of uncertainty.” 

I love Brené’s definition of faith in this context, as I’ve never considered faith in relationship to intuition. Having faith doesn’t mean I turn down or turn off this voice.  Having faith means I let go, it means trusting and believing in all the places, even those I can’t see. With the absence of faith, my intuition, my gut feeling, had become overwhelming, anxiety inducing and driven by fear.    

I struggle with wanting to see the big picture, have all the information, and be in control of the beginning, middle and end.  I want no surprises; there is comfort for me in predictable. I’d never considered the manifestation of fear I was capable of creating all on my own, a disbelief in the choice to let go.

Every New Year brings events and experiences we can count on and predict, along with new, unexpected blessing and challenge. This week, we were asked to create a mantra, a timeout place that allows us to slow down and quiet the distraction, remain mindful. How do you find clarity when you’re all wrapped up in those places? How do you hear yourself, trust yourself and have faith in the process?

Trust what you tell yourself and believe in the choices that exist.